they say that the ideal job is the job which you won't mind doing for free. so i'm asking myself: will i still want to think of design concepts, sketch numerous design schemes, and defend them in front of people who will most probably tear them apart anyway even when i know that i won't be getting a cent in return?

honestly? no.

on the other hand, will i still be willing to go to endless auditions where i will probably be told that i'm not good enough in twenty million ways even when i have to eat instant noodles for the rest of my life because i won't be making any money? will i still want to endure that excruciating nervous breakdown i tend to have before every performance and go on stage at the risk of forgetting my lines and getting booed even when i know that i won't get paid? will i still love performing even when i have to give up the dream of being an uber-successful career woman who can go in a mall and buy anything she wants without looking at the tag price first?

yes, yes, and yes.

and you know what the worst part is? i know that i would rather starve to death performing than be rich being an architect. but i'm not doing anything about it because i'm scared.

therefore, i am in deep shit. a gigantic pile of filthy, stinking, disgusting shit.

and no one can get me out of it.

no one but ME.


i am not an architect. an architecture student (and that's using the phrase loosely), yes, but not an architect. never was, never will be.

i have known this fact since forever. i may not be aware of it when i wrote down 'bs architecture' on the college application form but i know now that even then, my sixteen year-old self had a feeling that i was not meant to be an architect. she-- i -- only chose to be in architecture because i didn't want to disappoint my parents by picking a what they (and possibly, also the rest of the world) consider as an 'impractical' major , which of course was/is the one i really wanted to take. plus, i also didn't know if i was good enough for that thing that i want and was scared to find out. so i settled for a course that will leave my parents satisfied, a course that i knew i wasn't good enough for but didn't really care about so what the hell. and for the past six years, i have been deluding myself into thinking that i can do this, that i can be an architect. i even went as far as dreaming of working for the architects without borders, telling myself that in that way, i can put my one-hundred-twenty-thousand-peso degree into good use.

what a load of bullshit.

i am not an architect. and twelve semesters of studying it, twelve semesters of doing plates and researches, twelve freaking semesters of pretending that i can be one can't and won't change that.

i wish i could go back to six years ago. i wish i had the guts to say "screw the world! i'm going to do what i want to do!" and write down 'ba theater arts' instead of 'bs architecture'. i wish i could be like my brother who has oh-so-little regard for the feelings of our family. i wish... no. i HOPE i could be brave. and most of all, i hope for one more chance.

one more chance. because it's not too late, right? i'm still young. there are still so many possibilities ahead of me. i can drop this right now and shift.

only... i can't. because in spite of all this wishing to be my brother talk, i still care a great deal for my parents' feelings. i mean, i may have the guts to go for what i want even with the uncertainty of being good enough but i can't break my parents' hearts. i'd rather break my own.

but i guess that's part of what being brave means: leaping into the void and hoping like hell that the people you will leave behind will understand.

so that's it. i will just have to stick this out, get through the rest of the school year without killing myself in frustration, graduate, and then... and then maybe i can be brave and finally do what i should have done a long time ago.

(of course it's easier said than done. hahaha. but that's an entirely different entry and i don't want to doubt myself when i haven't even started.)

"it's my life and i'm taking control."

- jaime scott (yes, we're quoting one tree hill now. :p)

low-rise swim trunks + defined orion's apollo's belt = a match made in heaven. *wink*

I CAN SING DEFYING GRAVITY.

you see, i thought i couldn't on account of the terrifyingly high notes toward the end. even lea, the greatest singer in the whole world, had to lower the song's pitch when she sang it during the technical rehearsal of her anniversary concert (in her defense, she may have lowered the pitch but she sang the hell out of the song, beautifully of course as she always does, and she did sing it in the original pitch in carnegie hall while she was still pregnant) and in my heart, if the greatest singer in the whole world had to modify the song to be able to sing it, then there is no way in heaven or in hell that i, a lowly mortal whose musical theater experience begins and ends within the four walls of the bathroom, will be able to sing it the way idina menzel originally did.

but i can.
i could.
AND I DID.

with the aid of numerous glasses of water to lubricate my throat and a full stomach to hold me down (i tend to get literally blown away when belting out high notes), i was able to sing defying gravity, terrifyingly high notes and all.

and that makes me happy, eventhough it will never be heared publicly. :D

***
i was eating lunch this afternoon when i noticed that the girl who was seated at the table next to mine was crying while the guy in front of her (whom i assume is her boyfriend) was telling her stuff. first of all, i am not the type of person who eavesdrops on the businesses of others, but this girl was crying pretty loudly. it bothered me because they are in public, for crying out loud! they should be doing whatever the hell they were doing in a more private place. if they had no choice, why not do it in a church (*ehem*... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... sorry, but if you only knew... that was  actually funny... hehehe...) or a less crowded restaurant? they didn't even have food on their table.

message to miss crying girl: from what it sounds, your boyfriend is a jerk. stop whining. and stop crying. IT'S NOT WORTH IT. and for the record, yes i have cried over boys. more than i care to count. and that's precisely how i know that no boy, not even the most handsome, most awesome, bestest boyfriend you've ever had, is worth your tears. ANY girl's tears, for that matter. eventhough he  can make you laugh like no one else could.

***
i won't be around here for a couple of weeks. except for the occassional checking of emails and watching my boys, i won't be hanging out on cyberspace as much as i normally do. and no, it's not because of thesis (thesis? what thesis?); the reason is not even remotely close to being academical. :p

 

***

there's no such thing as first come, first serve in this. so i'm not even bothered. just a question: do you understand the reality of this for me? do you get the fact that i am DEAD serious about this? do you comprehend that THIS IS IT for me, that it's all or nothing? because i don't think you do. because if you did, you wouldn't have said what you said.

***

ekang, why so serious? hahahahaha.

i haven't been attending my minor classes for the past two weeks (i would say the reason is because i'm uninspired but the most probable truth is because i'm simply a lazy ass) and since my major subjects rarely meet, technically, i haven't been to school for the same amount of time. today i did, because i'm supposed to consult with my thesis adviser. however, after waiting for an hour, i discovered that she postponed the consultation to thursday because she's not feeling well. also today, i got a text message from an mbb 1 classmate informing me that our midterm exam for said subject is already on thursday.

this thursday.

the same thursday when i will be consulting with my thesis adviser.

if this isn't karma, i don't know what is.

so i got the new miley cyrus cd. which is one more reason why i wish michelle is here. so there will be someone who will unhesitatingly hit me with a rolled-up cartolina when i'm making stupidly impulsive decisions like this.

rich, i need that ceesau cd. as in NOW NA. actually, i need carmine but as he's currently unavailable (and will be for an interminable amount of time), his recorded singing voice will have to suffice. for now.

i've never noticed it before but ewan mcgregor is kind of cute, don't you think?

i was watching the pilot of 'long way down' on the national geographic channel last night and that's when i realized that he is kind of cute. especially when he's talking about motorcycles. he just... glows.

and he does look a bit like soulmate (i got to stop referring to him like that).

i hope i get the chance to do something like this someday. preferably before i turn 30 (which reminds me... i have to update The List). why 30? no reason. i just thought i should give myself some sort of a deadline. because if i don't, i will never get around to doing ANYTHING at all.

and maybe because i have a feeling that i will die after my 30th birthday. ok, not really. just... maybe. i don't know. i'm hungry. i can't think properly. and my download (the original cast recording of rent the musical) is moving at exactly 0kb/s. darn it.